SANTA BABY

So, Christmas is only a few days away and I'm not in a very Christmas-y spirit yet, though I am looking forward to cheating on my diet on the year's cheat-day par excellence. I had been thinking about what I'd want to get this year (somewhat inspired by the HILARIOUS videos by Drew Droege's impersonation of Chloë Sevigny) and so I came up with a list of things I would like to get and then narrowed them down to the following five (in no particular order):

NUMBER 1 : A TALL, DARK AND HANDSOME VEGETARIAN.
Santa MUST know I've been single for quite a while (insert Dalí's The Persistence of Memory here, or a video of a tumbleweed, or a cricket sound...or...never mind, I think I made it clear), and though I have broadened my standards, a friend recently reminded me that, once upon a time, being a vegetarian was an essential requirement.

EXAMPLE: CHRISTIAN BALE.

NUMBER 2: DINNER WITH MADONNA. Or lunch, or breakfast or brunch! Whatever it may be. Oh, and I need to be able to bring my friend Paloma along as well to make it complete. You see Santa?! I'm learning to share! (But let me figure out whether she really neeeeeds to sit with us at the same table or if she can just watch from afar).

I CAN SETTLE FOR PIZZA.

NUMBER 3: THE FABERGÉ EGG I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR SINCE I WAS 8.
I SO behaved that year, and I still didn't get it. I was so distraught. Of course, maybe Santa had a hard time deciding WHICH Fabergé egg to bring me. I was never able to make up my mind as to which one was my favorite and I never specified, so I'll give him that, but today I feel like I should probably have the one with the lily of the valley theme since they were, together with narcissus, my favorite flowers in my garden in Moscow (I think I'm just going to have to rush to the closest perfume shop and sniff some Diorissimo for nostalgia's sake).
Seriously, Santa, it's been 22 years...

(SIGH)

TINY PORTRAITS OF NICHOLAS II AND HIS FIRST TWO DAUGHTERS, OLGA AND TATIANA

NUMBER 4: MATTHEW MORRISON'S ABS.
No further explanation necessary.

NUMBER 5: NO MORE BULLFIGHTS.
This might sound like a party pooper to many, but it would make me SO happy. I would give up all of my other gifts just for this one.

So Santa, I've kept it VERY short this year. I'm not asking for much. Here's a little video that will help you realize how insignificant the things I'm asking for are. Please don't let me down...AGAIN.
Tootles.
ROGER